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If you are a member of the Legion of Mary, an American Republican, an Ayatollah or a member of the Democratic Unionist Party and are easily offended, anally retentive and have no sense of humour, please read on, you're bound to find something to be really, really pissed off about.........
If you have been offended by anything on this page please do not contact this site........Contact Radio Ulster.
What the F**k do you think David Dunseith and Stephen Nolan are for.......
If you are so politically correct that you can't tell satire from semtex, f**k off and write a letter to the Guardian
As for the rest of you normal people, ...........enjoy
JOKE OF THE WEEK
As heard on Bremner, Bird and Fortune Channel 4 -9/10/05
'British occupation forces in Iraq have given up on their 'hearts and minds' initiative in Basra, southern Iraq. You see explained the general, we are losing to many arms and legs!'
JACK SCHITT
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK?
Who the heck is Jack Schitt?
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt". Now you can
handle the situation:
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt,
the owner of Knee-Deep, Inc.
In turn, Jack married Noe Schitt and the couple produced six kids; Holie Schitt, the twins (Deep Schitt
and Dip Schitt), Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, who was a high school dropout.
After being married for fifteen years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock.
Her new name was Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt.
However, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and eventually married the
Happens' Brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens' children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull
Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new Italian bride,
Pisa Schitt.
So now, when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can say that you know a whole pile of
Schitts...
Adolf Bush
Never mind Apple heres....
The Orange mp3 player
Ballymurphy Bar-B-Cue
NEW BELFAST EXAMS
The Northern Ireland Executive Education Committee has determined that different Secondary Maths Exam papers are required for pupils in the two different schools wards. This has been ratified by the BELB.
Below are the most recent papers for your reference.
MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN WEST BELFAST
TO INCLUDE FALLS, SHANKILL, AND PETERS HILL):
NAME:________________________
NICKNAME ____________________
GANG NAME & BATTALION NUMBER____________________
1. Janty has 0.5 kilos of cocaine and 40 rounds of 9mm ammunition in 4 clips of 10. If he sells an 8 ball to Billy/Sean for 300 quid and 30 rounds to Newt-Newt for a tenner a clip, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
2. JoJo "Joe" McIlhatton has three fat mingers working round
the Albert Clack. If the price is 40 quid an act, how many acts per day must each minger perform to pay his £500 protection money to the local battalion?
3. Smickers Smith wants to cut the kilo of speed he bought for 200 nicker, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?
Extra Credit Bonus: How many limbs will he get shot in if Tapper Elliot finds out he's knackin' out gear?
4. Christy Kingham got life for settin aff a smokie outside the Europa.
He also got £350,000 from a Securicor van, on the fly.
If his common law wife, 22 year old Sharon Tracey Julie
Molloy spends £33,100 per year supporting her twelve kids, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for
nutting Sharon for spending his money?
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many murals can be sprayed with an eight fluid ounce can with 20% extra paint free?
6. HubCaps Wallace steals Dunkers skateboard. Dunker's da' is in the Ra. As HubCaps skates away at a speed of 35mph, Dunker's da' loads an RPG he acquired from the nearest, non-secure arms dump. If it takes Dunkers Da' 20 seconds to set the rocket, how far will HubCaps have travelled when he gets whacked?
MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN SOUTH BELFAST
(INCLUDING VICTORIA COLLEGE, METHODY and MALONE PREP):
1. James Junior smashes up Daddiekins' car, causing X amount
of damage and injuring three people. The old man asks his
local MP to intervene in the court system, then forges his
insurance claim and receives a payment of Y. The difference between X and Y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three injuredpeople. What kind of car is Julian driving now?
2. Vivienne's personal shopper decides to substitute generic
and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her
employer.
In the course of a month she saves the price of a return
ticket to Fiji and Vivienne doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
3. Rupert fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but
he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% of them
unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to get out with the other two-thirds?
4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can
fit into a size 8 Versace dress. If she only throws up three
times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?
10 WAYS TO TELL IF A REDNECK'S BEEN USING YOUR COMPUTER
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is 'Bubba'.
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a soda can in the CD-Rom drive.
2. The keyboard is painted in camouflage.
AND THE NUMBER 1 WAY TO TELL
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
TRUE STORY
Originally taken from the Southland Times (N.Z.) 25/2/99
"The police were called to Whangarei Ward at the Aged Care Centre in Kaikohe because a fight had broken out," Senior Seargent Maurice Loveridge told a New Zealand court, "and when they arrived, they could see that the two elderly accused men had just been involved in an almighty punch up. Both were covered in blood, their clothes were torn, one had a broken nose and half his hair ripped out, and the other had a broken arm and a hypodermic needle stuck into his penis. Furniture and equipment had been smashed flat, beds had been overturned, and the other patients on the ward were all terrified.
"However, the fight took place in a ward full of elderly Alzheimer's patients, and it has gradually become clear that nobody can remember what happened, or who was responsible. One patient keeps repeating the phrase 'we ought to have more manure', but frankly that gives us no clue. The two accused men do not recognise each other, nor do the other patients, and the ones who initially reported the incident to us had forgotten that there even was a fight by the time we tried to question them. Therefore, because nobody can now recall the incident, the Police Prosecution Department has reluctantly decided to withdraw the case against both men."
THANKFULLY NOT A TRUE STORY, YET.......!
'OLSTER SKATS'WINDOWS SOFTWARE
HIGH ON THE DUP's AGENDA FOR POWER SHARING
